Facebook Buys Twatter, Deadly DIY Dildonics

It was a day of triumph and tragedy. Hours after successfully selling Twatter, the x-rated microblogging service, for US $ 500 million, porn-tech entrepreneurs Jiz Bone and Steve B Job were found dead in what inspectors report appears to be a diy dildonics project gone horribly wrong.

Bone and B Job’s meteoric rise started with a simple idea: Twatter—for all your obscene updates, 69 characters or less. In a floundering economy this innovation was heralded as the saving grace for social networking sites struggling to find a viable, sustainable business model. It was so obvious, it’s hard to believe nobody had done it before. We share all our other details, why not our bedroom and bathroom habits? “When I saw how many people were using Twatter, I just knew Facebook had to acquire it,” said Fark Suckerberg, director of user experience at the social networking behemoth. Whether telling friends you are “whacking it slowly,” “abusing the wicked stick,” “making butt coffee” or “releasing the Hershey squirts,” Twatter keeps you intimately connected 24/7. But that’s not all, the service has great commercial value for companies and users alike. When user @backedup posted an update that he was experiencing “a logjam in the river,” @laxiholic74 was right there with an immediate recommendation for his company’s product. “You just don’t get this kind of targeted advertising anywhere else,” @laxiholic74 said. “I can’t believe Twatter sold for a mere $ 500 million.”

Sadly, Twatter’s founders will now be remembered as much for their bizarre demise as for their brilliant business savvy. “In all my years on the beat, I’ve never seen anything like it,” officer Jack Mehoff stated. Cause of death has been ruled accidental electrocution/impaling. The founders were well known hardware hackers and were preparing items for a teledildonics party to celebrate the acquisition later that night. Bone was optimizing the voltage for the custom vibrator he planned to give to his fiancée, E. Norma Stitts. B Job, also working on a gift for his girlfriend Penny Trayshon, was assisting by hooking up jumper cables from a car battery. Somehow B Job mixed up the male and female ends, with disastrous results. When asked for comment, Fark Suckerberg said he was deeply saddened by the duo’s death but that he would bravely carry on with their vision, while keeping the signing bonuses since they’d no longer be needed. Later, Suckerberg was spotted with E Norma Stitts on his arm, leaving a popular nightclub. When reporters confronted him he explained that he was comforting the recently bereaved in her time of grief. Could such an astute engineer as B Job really mix up his man and lady bits, or was something more sinister involved? We’ll never know, but you can’t rule anything out in the high stakes world of social networking M&A. For now, twatter.com is down because the server shorted out during the electrocution. Suckerberg assures us that it will be operational soon and hinted at even more exciting possibilities: TwatBook anyone?